Ah, a global pandemic!  Can’t think of a better reason to clean and disinfect everything in the house. But because I’m a methodical kind of bitch, I believe that all cleaning should start WITH THE BEDROOM. That’s where you sleep, wank, and cry into your pillow, shouting WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE. In short: your room has more of your germs in it than any other part of the house. Start there and work your way out.

If you are an Unruly House Honky or are simply in a slovenly phase of life right now, you may look at your messy room and wonder WTF WHERE DO I EVEN START?

At this point, if you don’t gain some perspective soon,  you are likely to do one of two things.

1: DISTRACT YOURSELF FROM THE MESS using whatever your fave distractions are: Netflix, drugs, work, hobbies, boobies,  comic books, food,  or just getting as farrrrrrrrrrr away from the mess as possible with hopes it’ll just “resolve” itself tomorrow when you return. (hey, maybe someone with severe OCD will break into your house while you’re away and clean it all up!)

2: AIMLESSLY THRASH ABOUT trying to “tame” the mess.  Pick up something here, put something there. Wield your mop like an axe and hack at the floors.  Move the mess from here to there. Make a mess trying to clean the mess.  Make a to-do list to tackle the mess.  GET FRUSTRATED AND GO TO OPTION 1. Kill self out of frustration.

Either of these choices is madness. So,  if you find yourself overwhelmed, despairing, or daunted DO NOT FEAR for I WAS ONCE LIKE YOU AND I HAVE LEARNED THE WAYS OF THE CLEANING! IF I CAN DO IT (AND TRUST ME, I WAS PROBABLY GRODIER THAN YOU ARE NOW) YOU CAN TOO!

STEP ONE: ACKNOWLEDGE THE MESS.  I know you know there’s a mess. We all know. And howdy,  can we smell it. But really take a moment to drink in the aroma of  beer farts, coffee mold, and ball sweat. Look deeply into the swirling chasm of orphan socks, snot rags, and pube tumbleweeds. Listen to the hiss of the static in your head, reflecting the chaos of your surroundings. Feel shame.  Shame is a great motivator for getting shit done. SHAME IS YOUR FRIEND. 

STEP TWO: LOCATE ALL GARBAGE AND THROW IT AWAY OR RECYCLE IT.  trash may include: wrappers, snot rags, cum cloth, empty cans, broken fans, junk mail, snail trails, weed roaches,  bits of hotdog buns, used condoms, broken pens, AND SO MUCH MORE. Before you can get a handle on your mess, you need to dispose of any hazardous materials LIKE NOW.

STEP THREE:  IF IT’S NOT ALREADY MADE, MAKE YOUR BED NOW!! Then, put down some towels on your bed  for safety. This is going to be your “work space” where you sort items from other woebegone parts of your bedroom.

STEP FOUR: PICK UP CLOTHING OFF THE FLOOR AND SORT IT ON YOUR BED. My friend Adriana says “Clothing should never be on the floor, unless you’re having sex or gravely ill.” And I agree.  Put dirty clothes in the hamper. Hang up the clean clothes in your closet. AND DO NOT EVER WEAR CLOTHING YOU PICK UP OFF THE FLOOR. You walk around the streets everyday–streets full of poop spores, skin flakes, snail slime and dead dreams. Then you come in and walk around your house, spreading the detritus everywhere. Then you throw your clothing down on the floor, and WEAR IT AGAIN?? NO.

STEP FIVE: REMOVE EVERYTHING FROM YOUR SURFACES- If you’re anything like me,  you’ve probably  got some bullshit stacked up like flapjacks on your desk/side table/ chest of drawers, etc right now. Pick one surface at a time. Remove all items from that surface and sort them into piles on your bed: keep, toss, or recycle/give away.

STEP SIX:   SCRUB/DISINFECT your surfaces thoroughly with a high intensity wipe-down. Start with a dry cloth, or feather duster, and wipe it down. LET ALL CRUMBS AND NUGGETS FALL TO THE FLOOR. Then, do a second wipe-down with a wet rag. You can use any  cleaning spray/disinfectant you like! I won’t judge you for using harsh chemicals (Personally, I LOVE the smell of bleach.)  If you ever get confused about the order to do this stuff, just remember FLOORS ARE ALWAYS LAST.

STEP 7: PUT IT ALL BACK ON THE SHELVES. Once your surfaces are disinfected, you can now put your items back. This is my favorite part of the cleaning process! As I put each item away, I do a quick check-in to make SURE it’s an item that absolutely needs to be there (and not say…in the trash, or in storage). Is it a decorative object? Something you use everyday? If the answer is NO consider putting the item somewhere else or getting rid of it. Visual noise (i.e. visible clutter) is for me, a huge chub killer. I want to walk into my bedroom (and other people’s bedrooms) and feel horny, not distracted or like i’m about to get crabs. Use your best judgement and don’t be afraid to say goodbye to things that don’t serve a purpose. Less clutter is always best.

Step EIGHT: IT’S TIME FOR FLOORS. Remove every item of furniture you can from your bedroom. Then, vacuum or sweep up all of the crumbs and crackerjacks. Then, mop or swiff your floors until them stains are gone.

STEP NINE: DO A VICTORY DANCE! If you follow my  room cleaning instructions to the T you’ll be done with this whole job in an afternoon, promise. Pick your power song, do a shot, and dance in your freshly cleaned, disinfected PLAGUE FREE bedroom. Feels so good!

Stay safe out there everyone, and remember to wash your filthy mitts!