Hi friends! I have decided to resurrect my housekeeping blog! Rejoice!
Yes, despite my great transformation from UNRULY HOUSE HONKY to SOMEWHAT RULY HOUSE HONKY several years ago, I still engage in epic battles against dirt, germs, clutter, chaos, and whatever those mushroom things are sprouting from the corner of the bathroom. I often win these epic battles! But sometimes…. I lose. This happens when my depression symptoms are peaking, and I’m caught up in a chaos spiral. Then I sit and gaze bitterly upon those moldy coffee mugs on my ledge. I say to myself . “All you have to do my friend is just….reach out and grab a mug….Then, move yourself to the dishwasher somehow…Put the mug in the dishwasher AND I PROMISE IT WILL ALL BE OKAY.” And then an equally loud voice says “I WILL STAY RIGHT HERE BECAUSE THE BED IS SLOWLY DIGESTING MY BODY.”
So I thought I’d return once again, to share with you my continuing adventures in housekeeping! My hope is that my message will reach other unruly house honkies like me, and provide you with the tools, and perspective to take steps towards clean living! (And I don’t mean sober. cannabis, coffee, and crack cocaine can all help you do a better job cleaning)
One of the main questions I get from my many besotted fans is, HOW CAN I TELL IF I AM AN UNRULY HOUSE HONKY? So, I have created this very special quiz, just for you!
ARE YOU AN UNRULY HOUSE HONKY?
QUESTION 1: ARE YOU WHITE?
3- Little bit
4- Not sure
(PLEASE NOTE IF YOU ANSWERED NO TO THIS QUESTION YOU ARE NOT AN UNRULY HOUSE HONKY. YOU MAY BE ANOTHER TYPE OF DOMESTIC CHAOS DEMON, BUT YOU CANNOT BE A HOUSE HONKY)
QUESTION 2: HOW MANY HOURS A WEEK DO YOU DEVOTE TO CLEANING AND TIDYING UP YOUR HOUSE?
1- An hour a day, keeps the crud away!
2-I don’t bother with chores man, that’s for plebes! Now where is my wallet/keys/pants/phone/glasses/wife?
3-I’m always cleaning, and my hands are mops now!
4- Almost none, but I’m rich enough to afford a cleaning services so suck on that.
QUESTION 2: WHAT’S IN YOUR KITCHEN SINK RIGHT NOW
2- A pan I let soak overnight, plus my morning coffee mug.
3- A pan I let soak for several days, plus several plates, three bowls, and some mugs that I just don’t have the time to take care of. I’m super busy!
QUESTION 3: Describe to me what’s going on under your bed right now.
1- Just a few lone storage boxes and a tumbleweed!
2- The cats are making love again
3- I can’t tell! Too much stuff under there.
4- I don’t have a bed, just a pile of clothing I sleep on
QUESTION 4: WHICH 80’S HIT SONG BEST DESCRIBES YOUR HOUSEHOLD
1- (Sweet Dreams) Are made of this
2-Under Pressure- Bowie/Queen
3- It’s the End of the World as we Know It/ REM
4- Wild Thing / Tone Loc
QUESTION 5: HOW OFTEN DO YOU LOSE THINGS IN YOUR HOUSE?
1- Almost never! Everything in my house has its little place.
2- All the time, but I’m so rich I can just buy more of what I lose lol.
3- All the time! but I also have a certified poltergeist in my house that I’m trying to get rid of (i.e. my roommate)
4- Only when my mental health symptoms are super bad.
QUESTION 6: SITUATIONAL JUDGEMENT
You’ve met someone really sexy, who you want to do the sex with. You are nearer to your house than theirs, so they say “How about your house?” To which, you respond…
1- “Let’s go!” and excitedly drag them to your Love Lair which is carefully decorated to bring insta- boners to everyone.
2- “Let’s go!” and excitedly drag them back to your house. When you get home, you offer them a glass of wine in a cup that has an old lentil floating in it, and then bring them to your room. Before you lay them down for a shag, you move all your laundry, jizz rags, and dirty plates to the other side of the bed, waiting for your partner to smile at how considerate you are for clearing a spot for them. Instead they get up and go home, and you never see them again.
3- “Who does it in a house anymore? Let’s just give each other a handy under the dinner table here at the restaurant.” (Afterwards, you go home and begin a cleaning frenzy which lasts 14 hours)
4 “Let’s Go!” and excitedly drag them back to your house, where you make them wait 45 minutes for you outside, while you hastily change your dirty sheets and toss out your jizz rags and empty dorito bags. When you return, they have vanished.
QUESTION 7: WHERE DOES ALL THE LAUNDRY GO WHEN IT’S DONE?
1- Either in my closet, or my drawers
2- On my floor, in a pile!
3- On my bed, where I can roll over in the middle night and make love to the pile as if it’s a very absorbent human.
4- On my body- I’m very cold!
QUESTION 8: DESCRIBE THE SMELLS OF YOUR HOUSE
1- A hint of citrus, coffee.
2- booze breath and cat pee
3- Melted crayons and lost dreams
4- Hot pockets and testicle cheese
QUESTION 9: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLEANED YOUR TOILET
1- Within the last two weeks
2- Within the last 3 months
3- What’s the point of cleaning a bowl you just shit in anyways?
4- Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been 1,786 days since I scrubbed my toilet, but lord, I promise tomorrow I’ll change my ways, for even though I’m a slob I’m still capable of shame.
QUESTION 10: WHAT IS MOP USED FOR?
2- Killing flies
3- Masturbatory aid
4- Self defense
RESULTS: If you answered anything but 1’s you may very well be an unruly house honky!!!! But don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging in your squalor. Tune in next week, when I take you through the basics of HOW TO CLEAN YOUR DISGUSTING ROOM.